Unstoppable Attack On Crack!
by Dr.Nacho
Summary: AoT crack, Lots of Jean hate and Jean death in every chapter. :3 Rating T for comical death(s)
1. Chapter 1

_Hey guys, Unstoppable Nachos here, and I had this feeling of hatred. Towards Jean. Also felt in the mood for some AoT crack. So, this will be SO RANDOM even Sherlock Holmes wouldn't be able to comprehend it. Enjoy_

_WARNING: Lot's of Jean deaths (Feel free to keep count!)_

It was an early morning in the Survey Corps. base. Krista was cooking some bacon (A/N: I'm assuming they know what bacon is.) over a fire. There was a lot of grease due to the bacon cooking. Jean was currently hunting Mikasa to ask her out. Again. For like the 900th time. But, aside from Connie, Armin, Sasha, Ymir, and Eren, no one was counting. He finally cornered her leaving a bathroom on the 2nd floor.

"Hey Mikasa do you-"

"No."

She quickly walked away leaving a sad Jean to silently cry to himself.

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Everyone began to make their way to the dining hall. Sasha, leading the way, was the first to smell it.

"BAAACOONN!"

She ran extremely fast, and was gone in a second. The remaining members of the 104th looked at each other.

"So, who has to go stop her from eating all the breakfast this time?" Connie asked.

Eren quickly grabbed Jean and threw him out the door and locked it, leaving him outside with a hungry Sasha, who was cornering a terrified Krista.

"Where is the bacon?! I MUST EAT IT NOW!" Sasha yelled, causing Krista to yelp.

"I-I left it by the fire!" she said, before running away inside the building.

Sasha ran towards the fire, and Jean followed her. He saw her pick up the pan, and Jean snuck up behind her.

"JEAN! LOOK AT THE BEAUTIFUL BA-" She didn't finish her sentence, as some of the grease from the bacon landed in the fire. Now, Jean, his unfortunate(A/N: NOT! HA!) self was standing VERY close to the fire. He was looking towards it when the grease dripped into it. The fire shot up VERY high, and incinerated his face. He screamed very loudly, slowly dying a very painful death. His 'beautiful' face was burned and scarred. He died, wishing that he had the chance to press his lips against Mikasa's and do more... questionable acts with her.

Sasha screamed, and alerted the rest of the 104th. Mikasa and Eren both looked at Jean's dead body, and jumped for joy. Mikasa screamed about she and Eren could finally be together in public, and Eren pulled her into a very passionate kiss. They completely ignored the rest of the 104th, who were sad about the death of their friend. Sasha was in tears, because she was the one who caused him to die. She placed the bacon strips on his chest, and ordered everyone to dig a grave for him. Only Connie started digging, as Eren and Mikasa had vanished, Ymir was holding Krista and stroking her hair, trying to comfort her. Sasha was busy looking for some potatoes that she saw earlier.

An hour later, the 104th cadets, Captains Levi and Hange and Commander Ervin all gathered to bury Jean. He would be forever known as the one recon member not killed by a titan. No one said anything at the funeral.

A year later, everyone had forgotten about his existence. Mikasa and Eren were married, Ymir and Krista were dating, and Connie and Sasha were engaged. Everyone was still trying to understand how Connie and Sasha got together. But, that, my friends, is a story for another time.

_So, how did you like it? I poured A LOT of my Jean hate into this, and I don't know. The bashing was, excuse me for an overuse line, Over 900- fuck it im not even going to do it. Anyways, please, RATE AND REVIEW, AND GOOD NIGHT! _

_Oh yeah, Oh Great, I will try to update that but I decided to wrap it up in Ch.20. I don't know about a sequel, but if It does happen, well.. it'll happen! Ok bye now. _


	2. Chapter 2

Jean Hate Chapter 2, Nuff Said. Actually not enough. I wanted to do a Mortal Kombat inspired death so I did. Rating will change to M for gore. HehhehehahHAhhahahahahahahahhhHAHAHAHAHAHH!

-Unstoppable Nachos

The 104th were all gathered in the mess hall. As usual, Connie and Sasha were sitting together, with Sasha stealing all of Connie's potatoes. "OI! SASHA! I swear if you steal one more potato I will tell everyone what you did to Ymir's pillow!" Sasha turned pale instantly and dropped one of the potatoes in her had. She thought 'Oh shit, I can't let him tell ANYONE, especially Ymir, what I did to that pillow. But the potato gods are telling me to eat more potatoes... WHAT SHOULD I DO?!' Then she had an idea. She grabbed Connie by the shoulders, after swallowing the potato, and kissed him on the lips. "If you shut up, we can go on a date, ok?" she said, blushing because of the bold move. Connie was sitting there confused. Then, out of nowhere, a slightly charred and dirt covered Jean bursts through the doors. "WHAT THE FUCK? YOU BURNED ME THEN BURIED ME FUCKING ALIVE? IM GONNA KILL YOU SASHA!" he yelled, then started chasing Sasha. He missed the fact that Mikasa and Eren were making out in a corner and that Annie and Armin were discussing a plan to murder him and his bloodline.

Sasha ran out the back door and into the woods. She was a hunter back in her hometown, and was really good at finding her way in the wilderness. So, she could ditch horseface and then say he fell in a hole and died. Everyone hated him, so no one (not even the instructors) would go looking for him. She cackled before running deeper into the forest.

Jean was pursuing her when out of fucking nowhere, a portal opens up. Its purple, and a chain flies out and stabs Jean in the leg. "OH MOTHER FUCKING HELL!" he screams like a girl, and the chain pulls him in. Suddenly, he's in the middle of arena, and a man in a yellow costume is farther away from him. Suddenly, the yellow clad ninja yells "GET OVER HERE!" and throws the spear that came out of nowhere (Seriously where does that thing come from? I could never figure it out but I know I want one) and it pierces his chest. Jean, almost dead at this point, is pulled towards the Yellow Man. He was about to pull out the knife he kept in his boot and try to stab him, but found he couldn't move. Then, a mysterious voice yells out "FINISH HIM!". Jean thinks 'Oh shit.' Then, the ninja prepares a fireball in his hand. He throws it through his chest, and Jean's heart falls out into the hole. It's still beating, and barley connected to the body by some flesh. Then, the Yellow Man pulls out a sword and cuts off Jean's horse face. His last words were 'I fucking hate my life.' But, for some odd reason, Jean is immortal, and would probably come back later to cause more mischief.

In the AoT universe

"Armin, did it work?" Annie asked, as they were hiding in one of the unused closets. Armin nodded. The book I read with the instructions to make a portal to a universe called Mortal Kombat seemed to have worked. I saw Jean get pulled in and he hasn't come back out. I knew it was a good idea to bribe Sasha with confidence booster and potatoes. Annie laughed quietly and smiled a bit. With a little more convincing, she could turn Armin into a proper evil genius. And then she can, well, do more 'interesting activities' with him.

Yes! Chapter two! Originally, I was going to make my own fatality up. It would be where Scorpion mimics Sub-Zero by creating a hole, grabbing the spine, but then ripping it out and beating the victim with their own spine. I have a very sick mind. Even though I've read worse (Cough 50 Shades of Grey Cough) Anyways rate review on my fanfic dedicated to killing Jean. I might also have one dedicated to Kakashi and his perverted exploits. I like crack. Alot. Not the drug the type of fanficton. BYEEE!

Unstoppable Nachos


End file.
